Jaded
by tinycandi2000
Summary: Takes place after weak. Elliot comes to some realizations during a fight with Olivia.


Title: Jaded  
Author: tiny  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: Weak & Doubt  
Disclaimer: They're not mine…unless someone wants to give them to me…  
A/N: Big thanks to my wonderful beta, "Honorary Aunt Alex" ;)

* * *

"Come on, Olivia! Open the damn door!"

She stood on the other side of the door but remained silent. She knew she'd have to answer the door eventually; he was too stubborn to leave. If she didn't let him in, her neighbors would be pissed, and rightfully so. He hollered and banged on the door once again. She grabbed the knob and swung the door open.

"What the hell do you want, Elliot?" She spoke calmly, yet with a very distinct iciness in her voice.

He glared at her as he pushed past her into the small apartment. Olivia was annoyed by his desire to appear tough. There had been times in the past where Elliot's anger startled her, but this wasn't one of those times. This time she was just as angry herself.

Like a caged lion, Elliot began pacing angrily. He hadn't intended to go talk to her, but his car just seemed to drive itself to her apartment building. Throughout the entire drive he replayed Olivia's words: _"I get that you're on the rebound and everything, but if you could keep it out of work that'd be great."_ Although he knew they were Olivia's words, he saw Kathy in his mind…accusing him of sleeping with Olivia.

"What's wrong with you, Olivia?"

"Me? You want to know what's wrong with me?" she asked, her voice getting louder with each following word.

He walked toward her and placed his face just inches from hers. She could feel his hot breath as intensity radiated from his body. Olivia stood her ground and looked directly into his eyes.

"Yes. I want to know why the hell you suddenly feel the need to take cheap shots at me. What the hell did I ever do to you, Liv?"

She lashed out. All the resentment, anger, and pain that she'd been keeping inside for weeks suddenly came to the surface. She pushed Elliot with the entire weight of her body. A look of shock crossed his face as he stumbled backwards. Olivia closed the distance between them and looked fiercely at him as she spoke. Her voice was raw and cold.

"I don't need you anymore," she hissed as she turned to grab the glass of bourbon she had left on the table.

Several emotions passed through Elliot as he heard the words over and over in his mind. Anger was soon replaced with regret. Regret turned into fear which released the anger once again. Elliot lunged towards her, and spun her around. Her glass shattered as it fell to the floor. Gripping her shoulders, he pinned her against the wall. Olivia's expression never changed. She stared back at him with bitterness in her eyes. Elliot's fingertips dug into her skin as he tightened his grasp, but Olivia was so consumed by her misery that she didn't care about the pain.

Elliot saw the despair in her eyes. He knew this was rooted in her heart much deeper than petty jealousy. For the first time in many weeks, Elliot saw her. He saw the heavy bags under her eyes. He saw the new wrinkle in her brow. And even more disheartening, he saw that look in her eyes. Suddenly aware that these things were not a change that had resulted from recent events, he wondered how long he was blind what was happening. Olivia was his partner; he was supposed to have her back. More importantly, she was his best friend. It wasn't until that moment that he knew how much he had let her down.

Elliot released her shoulders and stepped away from her. His anger subsided as the pain and regret surfaced once again. Olivia didn't need him anymore. Kathy said that she and the kids didn't need him anymore. He felt as if he had nothing left. His entire life was falling apart.

He slowly walked to the couch and sat down. He leaned over and held his head in his hands. Olivia moved to where Elliot was sitting on the couch and stood in front of him. Elliot looked up at her, wounded.

"Why did you accuse me of sleeping with Rebecca?" he finally asked.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Olivia shouted back at him. "I don't give a damn who you have sex with! That's your problem. My problem is with you, Elliot, not her. You paid her more attention the moment you met her than you have given me for weeks. You shut me out…but you welcome her right in?"

"Olivia, I…" but he was interrupted as she continued her tirade.

"Not only that, but every time she spoke, you agreed with her no matter what. For someone who has had an inherent dislike for shrinks, you seemed awfully quick to hang on her every word. We're supposed to be partners, Elliot. We're supposed to be on the same page…back each other up. But on the last several cases you challenge me the whole way through. I don't understand what you're trying to do."

Her words stung, and Elliot realized that the same thing he had done to his wife, he was now doing to Olivia. All the things that Kathy had said to him over the years…were now coming from Olivia.

"If you weren't jealous, then why did you say what you did?" Elliot asked.

"Because I wanted to hurt you as much as you were hurting me," Olivia replied with a heavy sigh.

Olivia tried to keep her emotions from bubbling to the surface. She had been doing well; she didn't want to break down in front of him now. She waited for his response, but he seemed lost deep in thought. After a nervous silence, he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry, Liv."

"For what?" Her voice was no longer heavy with anger, but it was evident that she was still upset with him.

"I'm sorry I let you down."

Elliot stood and gazed out the window. For as long as they had existed, Elliot had blamed the problems in his life on things which were beyond his control. Elliot assumed the main reason his marriage had fallen apart was the fact that Kathy was jealous at the thought of Elliot sleeping with Olivia. However, now he wondered if it wasn't Olivia specifically; he wondered if maybe Kathy was just jealous in general because he wasn't sleeping with her? He thought back to the last few years of his marriage. He was out until all hours of the night and left early in the mornings. Sometimes he wasn't able to come home at all. That rarely left any time for the two of them to be together, let alone intimate with each other.

He thought Kathy had asked for the separation because of his job, but maybe it was more than that. Perhaps it wasn't the long hours away from her that had been the problem. Perhaps the real reason was that even when he was home, they were seldom together. Aside from the occasional discussion about the kids, they didn't talk anymore. Everything that had once been so wonderful about them was merely a distant memory at the end.

"Elliot?"

He turned to face her again. Olivia looked at him with deep concern in her eyes. She was sitting on the couch now, hands folded in her lap. Unbeknownst to him at the time, tears had gently fallen to dampen his cheeks.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked, quietly.

Olivia shook her head. "What are you talking about, Elliot?"

"Why do I do that? Why do I push away the ones that I love?" he walked over to the couch and sat next to her.

"Probably because you're stubborn and think you can handle everything on your own," Olivia replied with a deep sigh.

"But you…"

"I know," she interrupted. "I'm the very same way. But the difference between you and I…is that you have more to lose. I don't have a family to go home to after work. I don't have anyone that I have a responsibility to other than myself."

"But you have me…" his voice trailed off after he saw the look on Olivia's face. Upon the realization, he continued. "That's why it bothered you so much, isn't it?"

Olivia only nodded for fear that if she tried to speak she wouldn't be able to keep her emotions in check.

"I never meant to hurt you, Olivia."

"Elliot," she said as she tried to choke down the tears that threatened to spill over. "You were always persistent when I tried to hide from everything. Whenever I tried to play everything off like I don't need anyone, you saw through me and you were there for me anyway. Somewhere deep down inside, I wanted you to be there for me; and you knew that. But everything has changed. I understand that you have a lot on your plate right now, El, but that's the problem."

"I know…" he tried to start.

"No. You need to hear me say this to you. We didn't play the same game we usually do. You didn't push me away to eventually give in to me. You just completely shut me out. You didn't even give me a chance to be there for you. All I knew was that you were angry and it was only getting worse. Hell, Elliot. You didn't even tell me what was going on. Do you know how much it hurt me to find out from Scarry and not from you? It's a big deal Elliot, and I didn't have any idea that things were even that bad between you and Kathy."

Elliot looked away from her, trying to focus on anything but her big brown eyes. "I didn't want you to know; I didn't want anyone to know. I was too ashamed," he said. He swallowed hard and his voice fell to a gruff whisper. "I failed, Olivia."

"So…what that means you don't deserve someone to be there for you? That's bullshit, Elliot. You're my best friend. I need you to need me. If you want to go to other people too, fine. But don't shut me out completely." She stopped for a moment, as she entertained a new thought. Quietly, she asked, "Cragen knew, didn't he?"

Elliot looked up at her with a guilty conscience. "How do you know that?"

"In the last few weeks, every time you would get worked up during a case, I would go after you, like always. But each time Cragen would tell me to just let you go. I didn't understand why he would do that. Even then, I wondered if he knew something that I didn't. When you stormed out of Cragen's office after Scarry gave away your secret, I chased after you and Cragen didn't say a word."

"I'm sorry."

"Did you ask him to do that? Did you tell him not to say anything to me?"

"Not really. When I told Cragen, I said that I would appreciate it if the whole thing was kept quiet. He said that you would find out eventually and that I should talk to you about it. But…" he paused trying to find the right words. "I just didn't know how to tell you. I couldn't just randomly throw it out there…it seemed like the opportunity to talk about it just wasn't there."

"Why? Elliot all you had to do was come to me. You could have called, come over, pulled me aside at work…whatever. Just say 'I need to talk' and I'll be ready to listen. There's always an opportunity for us to talk to each other…about anything."

"It just didn't seem that easy at the time."

"I know," she sighed.

Olivia got up and walked to the kitchen. Deciding that she'd already had enough to drink for one night, she poured herself a glass of water. She grabbed a beer from the fridge for Elliot before walking back to the couch. He thanked her as she handed him the bottle. Olivia curled up on the opposite side of the couch and sipped her water.

"So what about you?" Elliot asked as he opened his beer.

She raised her eyebrow, confused. "What about me?"

"You just act like something is bothering you."

Olivia shrugged. She didn't really feel like talking about it, but she couldn't very well be mad at him for not talking to her and then clam up herself. "The case just got to me."

"Is it the case or just Miranda?"

She gave him a guilty look. "Yeah. Mostly Miranda. Actually, I think what bothered me most was what Rebecca said to me after the arraignment."

"Why? What did she say?"

"That I can't save everyone," she replied. "I know I can't save everyone. But…I don't know. I guess I just take it too personally sometimes."

Elliot slid closer to Olivia. He put a strong arm around her shoulders and gave her a slight squeeze. "It looks like we've both been letting the job get to us lately."


End file.
